Tom Cruise as Saddam Hussain?

This may be taking it too far, although the pics are hilarious.

Sarwar Says..

Stealing someone else's wireless internet is wrong, even if its from the guy upstairs and for just a few minutes.

• Judge fines WiFi freeloader in first Illinois case (MediaLife Magazine)
  "If you’ve ever gotten online by jumping on someone else’s Wi-Fi, better mind yourself when in Illinois. Last week, 32-year old David M. Kauchak was fined $250 and sentenced to one year of court supervision after he pleaded guilty to accessing someone else’s wireless internet without permission.... Kauchak was arrested in January when a police officer spotted him sitting in a parked car with a computer. Kauchak was cited after the officer learned that he was using an unprotected wireless access point belonging to a not-for-profit agency."

Do not post kids' pictures online, period.

• Police bust suspects using MySpace.com profiles (MediaLife Magazine)
  "....Detectives turned to profiles posted on the popular social networking web site to identify suspects in a rape and robbery. Six men were arrested and a seventh is still being sought, police said Friday. The victim, whose name was withheld, met the suspects through MySpace.com. On Feb. 23, they got together for a party that then turned violent. The victim only knew the men by their first names, but their photos were posted on the site, which police used to help identify the suspects. The men, ages 18-20, face various charges, from sexual assault to felony theft...."

I guess what Sarwar says is always right :S

Clark/Lake

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to my iPod. As always, the songs were set to "Random", but somehow I got two Marc Anthony songs, two Bryan Adams songs and two Boyzone songs within 30 minutes. So much for random.

I got off at Clark/Lake station and headed to Dunkin' Donuts for my once (or twice) a week ration of a small hot chocolate (which we now know is not humongously fattening).

This particular DD location is inside the train station itself, and is served by a crew of three middle-aged Indian women - one is called Yasmeen, one is Lila and the other's name I can't remember. They're all rotund women with high pitched voices, hairy faces and thick accents, but they know all their customers by face and even before you open your mouth to order, they're saying "medium latte, cream and sugar?" and "coffee, no cream and two banana muffins?".

In this age of "wham bam thank you ma'am" service, it's quite amazing how these women manage to remember everyone's faces and their complex orders, especially considering that they probably knew nothing about coffee for most of their lives and had never heard the word 'bagel' until they landed in America. Plus, don't all these white faces look the same anyway? (sic)

Today, though, it was Lila who looked shockingly different. It appears that she decided to visit a salon over the weekend and endure some painful facial hair removal. Must say she looks much nicer now, albeit she has that strange, patchy look that accompanies a first time depilation process.

Gosh, I'm so bored at work I'm thinking about the DD lady's mustache. It is a sad day for us all.

Fashion Ponderment #1

Does anyone know of a Victoria's Secret store in Chicagoland that stocks their shoes?

The Namesake

After reading about Tom Cruise's re-enactment of his insanity on Oprah, I am now convinced that the man's sanity is questionable. Why would he want to re-live that PR nightmare - even in jest? He's clearly a little nutty, and while I don't want to be prejudiced, I have a feeling that his nuttiness may be a result of his belief in Scientology.

I've heard lots of crazy postulations about the "religion", and remember doing some reading about it when Tom initially lost his self control and self respect on national TV (Oprah, Matt Lauer, the list goes on..)

But today I felt renewed curiosity about it, and decided to really find out for myself what this is all about.

So, I went to the official source: the website of the official Church of Scientology, as well as Wikipedia (that venerable source of all that is good and true!). Here's the skinny:

• Scientology was founded by in the late 1950's by a somewhat slimy-looking, red-haired man called L. Ron Hubbard, and means "the study of truth" ("scio" = to know, "logos" = study of).

Ok - right away this is suspicious. How can you trust a red-headed guy named Ron? Has Tom learned nothing from the adventures of Harry Potter? I'm sure Mr. Hubbard means well but he's probably a right disaster when it comes to the big things. Not that it's his fault or anything - how would you feel if your mother died of starvation because there was nothing in her cupboard?

• Man is made up of Mind, Body and "Thetan" or Spirit. Thethan is really what Scientology seems to be about. To make sure your spirit is healthy, they have elaborate concepts like "Auditing" (cleansing yourself by talking to a Scientologist) and "E-Meters" (machines that measure mental activity).

Hmm. This would make sense to me if I lived on the Starship Enterprise and had a positronic brain like Data, with an ethical program that could be controlled with an energy pulse. Perhaps Scientology is just ahead of its time and should wait to be embraced until the 2500's when we've moved past money, hunger and poverty and learned to tune our spirits to the uplifting chords of the Star Trek theme song?

• There are several levels of the Thetan, numbered in Roman numerals, and at each level you learn about "hidden truths". At the final level, VIII, you achieve a type of Nirvana, that I guess must feel like teen spirit. But at level III you learn about how to reverse traumas from past lives and that lesson is taught through the story of "Xenu".

First of all, doesn't the above paragraph sound like the description of a video-game? Like how in "Prince of Persia: Sands of Time" you have to go through a prologue, and then get the dagger to unleash the hourglass and then...

And I'm sure by now you noticed what inspired the title of this blog entry.

• Xenu was a galactic tyrant who first kidnapped certain individuals who were deemed "excess population" and loaded these individuals into space planes for transport to the site of extermination, the planet of Teegeeack (Earth). These space planes were said to have been copies of Douglas DC-8s, except with rocket engines. He then stacked hundreds of billions of these frozen victims around Earth's volcanoes 75 million years ago before blowing them up with hydrogen bombs and brainwashing them with a "three-D, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days, telling them lies of what they are and what the universe should be like and telling them that they are 3 different things: 'Jesus, God, and The Devil.' The traumatized thetans subsequently clustered around human bodies because they watched the motion picture together, making them think they are all the same thing, in effect acting as invisible spiritual parasites known as "body thetans" that can only be removed using advanced Scientology techniques. Xenu is allegedly imprisoned in a mountain by a force field powered by an eternal battery. He is said to be still alive today.

WOAH! That's it - this religion *totally* gets my respect! That is the coolest possible namesake story, screw you Gogol Ganguli. Oh, how I wish I had space planes to deport all the "excess" people I know..

/me drifts off into daydream

Ahem, ahem. Anyway.

So, after all this digging, what's the consensus?

Scientology doesn't seem to be a religion at all. It's more like psychological therapy, a "How to be a well-adjusted person" routine, embellished with Latin and Greek influences for dramatic, "truthiness" effect. Most of its followers are ex druggies and Hollywood types - just the kind of people to embrace normal behavior only after it has been sugar-coated in fancy words that allow them to feel superior to other underpriveleged philistines that don't know any better. It's the work of a self-abosrbed man looking for fame by suggesting the most outrageous theory possible, a religion cobbled together by mixing the influences of mystical religions, comic books and the Sci Fi channel's original dramas. In sum, a whole lot of poppycock.

But I still wouldn't mind those space planes.

Foodie Ponderment #2

I just found out - a small Hot Chocolate drink from Dunkin Donuts is just 220 calories! With 70 calories from fat!

And I thought that it was like 500 calories and disgustingly fattening!

Starbucks' version is around the same as well, but it does not taste half as good as DD.

Well, what a relief. I gladly stand corrected.

Foodie Ponderment #1

Is Hummus fattening?

Hello, you annoy me.

Teen-teen, do-do, chaar-chaar,
Mujhko hoagaya telephone pyaar...

While I think outsourcing is great because it's helping the multitudes back home earn a living, I do worry about the loss of quality that it entails, especially with call centers. I've had many experiences with telemarketers and customer service folks that are Indian, and despite trying to develop an affinity for the brethren, I am only frustrated and dissatisfied with the service they provide.

I can't get past the fake accents, that tend to drop miraculously once they notice I have an Indian name.

I can't get past service reps who call themselves "Daisy Jones" - there are no more Daisy Jones in America, believe me.

I can't get past the constant bookending of sentences with the extremely annoying "ok?". For example: "Ok, my records show that the bill is still outstanding, ok?"

I think they mean to be reassuring with these OK's but the intonation is totally un-American and they really seem to talk down to you, as if they have to "deal" with you, even though you're being a perfectly reasonable customer.

And I cannot tolerate reps who address you with a salaam, and speak to you in Urdu, as if to establish some sort of kinship that will get you to buy their silly product or enjoy a flirtatious conversation with them. It is just purely deceitful and utterly misleading when the conversation goes like this:

Telemarketer: "Assalamu-alikum?"
Xinu: "Walaikum-assalam?"
TM: "Jee, kya main Mr. ya Mrs. Raza se baat karsakta hoon?"
Xinu: "Jee, main Mrs. Raza bol rahi hoon, kahiye?"

And then the guy launches into how I need some cellphone service when I don't.

Did he think that I would be more prone to listening to his shpiel because he addressed me in Urdu and my name looks Muslim? I'm all for diversity, but I think its harassment for telemarketers to assume any kind of non-English language or religious approach in order to make a sale, especially in a politically correct country like America. It's subliminal coercion and an invasion of privacy - and it drives me nuts. And next time, I'll actually tell the stupid telemarketer that.

No more telephone pyaar for me!

The Sound of Fear

Kaun aayega yahan? Koi na aaya hoga..
Mera darvaaza hawaaon ne hilaya hoga..

A few weeks ago, I was home alone on a Monday morning as I had the day off for President's Day. I was in bed chatting on my laptop with the iPod plugged into my ears. I was in PJs. I felt warm and comfortable, but little did I know how vulnerable I was.

There was a lull between songs, and in that momentary quiet, I suddenly heard a sound outside my bedroom door, like a foot scuffing the floor. The door was almost shut because I like my privacy even when I'm alone (possibly because my dad never let me do that while growing up) but I thought I heard the doorknob rattle.

I was surprised - Did Sarwar come home early to surprise me or something?

Before I had time to think, the door swung open softly and in stepped - my landlord.

Now, Chris is a nice guy - very well spoken and well dressed, looks a bit like Michael Douglas - but he has a nasty habit of coming into the house for repairs/maintenance when we're not home - and without advance notice. We've told him we don't like it, and neither do the other tenants, but he still hasn't bothered to change his ways. So here he was, standing in my bedroom while I was in my PJs.

He said a shocked hello, and I said a shocked hello back, quickly huddling under the covers.

He said he had come in to change the heating system filter, but didn't realize anyone was home. I quickly ushered him into the hall so he could do his thing. I remembered to ask him about the fireplace flue and how to work it. A little more chit chat and he was on his way.

Initially, I did not find this out of the ordinary. But slowly it dawned on me what a breach of privacy this was. Not only did Chris break the law by entering a tenant's property without prior notice, he scared the bejeezus out of me. He entered the house without telling us he was coming, without ringing the doorbell, and then walked into my BEDROOM. I could have been undressed, or in some other compromising position. Plus, his job was in the hallway - why did he come into my room?

After that incident, every sound I heard made me think that someone was sneaking up on me. A day later, Sarwar went on a business trip for one night and I couldn't sleep until the wee hours of the morning because every click and tick that the heating system made, and every swoosh from the trees outside, frightened me. I kept imagining that a stranger was just going to walk through my bedroom door, with the swiftness and arrogance of an idiotic, surefooted landlord.

I was not afraid of horror scenarios - I know there are no axe murderers and serial chainsaw killers in Bucktown. What terrified me was the fact that I could never again feel secure and safe in my home. If a stranger wanted to get in, they could do it quietly, without breaking down the door or giving us a second to prepare. I would always be vulnerable, always be jerking my head around at every unfamiliar sound, always anticipating a break-in.

Sarwar finally spoke to Chris and insisted that he tell us before he comes to the house. He was apparently very apologetic and even offered to not raise our rent (good!) but did say he was surprised since I hadn't seemed worried when we interacted. Well, obviously I have better manners than that.

He hasn't called about coming over yet, so I don't know if he's following the new rule or not. We'll have to wait and see I guess.

Meanwhile, every footstep on the fire-escape, every creak of a door and every swish of the wind still gives me the jitters. I am jumpy and afraid, and don't prance around the house in my bathrobe as I did before. When you can't even be sure of privacy in your own home, is anything for certain?

But, I keep trying to be brave, keep trying to ignore the sounds.

I keep trying to think, mera darvaaza hawaaon ne hilaya hoga..

Back to the Blog

One year and three weeks ago, I wrote my last blog entry. After that, I got busy. Or rather, I got bored and, well, I got boring. Nothing seemed interesting enough to write about, and everything seemed too complex to type out loud.

Then, today, after reading two friends' blogs (Vish and Tamiami) I felt inspired to write again. About all the inane things that my mind processes each day which I usually feel too exhausted to churn out. About all the witty things I think of after-the-fact, and then kick myself for not having said at the right time. About all the craziness in this offline world of ours.

I am doing this so I don't entirely lose my creativity or my passion for funniness.

And so, I am back. I can't promise I'll stay for long, but I'll do my darndest to entertain you while I'm here.

*pregnant pause*

Hello, I'm Johnny Cash.

(Heehee, not really but I love the way Joaquin Phoenix says it in 'Walk the Line')