Hello, you annoy me.

Teen-teen, do-do, chaar-chaar,
Mujhko hoagaya telephone pyaar...

While I think outsourcing is great because it's helping the multitudes back home earn a living, I do worry about the loss of quality that it entails, especially with call centers. I've had many experiences with telemarketers and customer service folks that are Indian, and despite trying to develop an affinity for the brethren, I am only frustrated and dissatisfied with the service they provide.

I can't get past the fake accents, that tend to drop miraculously once they notice I have an Indian name.

I can't get past service reps who call themselves "Daisy Jones" - there are no more Daisy Jones in America, believe me.

I can't get past the constant bookending of sentences with the extremely annoying "ok?". For example: "Ok, my records show that the bill is still outstanding, ok?"

I think they mean to be reassuring with these OK's but the intonation is totally un-American and they really seem to talk down to you, as if they have to "deal" with you, even though you're being a perfectly reasonable customer.

And I cannot tolerate reps who address you with a salaam, and speak to you in Urdu, as if to establish some sort of kinship that will get you to buy their silly product or enjoy a flirtatious conversation with them. It is just purely deceitful and utterly misleading when the conversation goes like this:

Telemarketer: "Assalamu-alikum?"
Xinu: "Walaikum-assalam?"
TM: "Jee, kya main Mr. ya Mrs. Raza se baat karsakta hoon?"
Xinu: "Jee, main Mrs. Raza bol rahi hoon, kahiye?"

And then the guy launches into how I need some cellphone service when I don't.

Did he think that I would be more prone to listening to his shpiel because he addressed me in Urdu and my name looks Muslim? I'm all for diversity, but I think its harassment for telemarketers to assume any kind of non-English language or religious approach in order to make a sale, especially in a politically correct country like America. It's subliminal coercion and an invasion of privacy - and it drives me nuts. And next time, I'll actually tell the stupid telemarketer that.

No more telephone pyaar for me!