The Sound of Fear

Kaun aayega yahan? Koi na aaya hoga..
Mera darvaaza hawaaon ne hilaya hoga..

A few weeks ago, I was home alone on a Monday morning as I had the day off for President's Day. I was in bed chatting on my laptop with the iPod plugged into my ears. I was in PJs. I felt warm and comfortable, but little did I know how vulnerable I was.

There was a lull between songs, and in that momentary quiet, I suddenly heard a sound outside my bedroom door, like a foot scuffing the floor. The door was almost shut because I like my privacy even when I'm alone (possibly because my dad never let me do that while growing up) but I thought I heard the doorknob rattle.

I was surprised - Did Sarwar come home early to surprise me or something?

Before I had time to think, the door swung open softly and in stepped - my landlord.

Now, Chris is a nice guy - very well spoken and well dressed, looks a bit like Michael Douglas - but he has a nasty habit of coming into the house for repairs/maintenance when we're not home - and without advance notice. We've told him we don't like it, and neither do the other tenants, but he still hasn't bothered to change his ways. So here he was, standing in my bedroom while I was in my PJs.

He said a shocked hello, and I said a shocked hello back, quickly huddling under the covers.

He said he had come in to change the heating system filter, but didn't realize anyone was home. I quickly ushered him into the hall so he could do his thing. I remembered to ask him about the fireplace flue and how to work it. A little more chit chat and he was on his way.

Initially, I did not find this out of the ordinary. But slowly it dawned on me what a breach of privacy this was. Not only did Chris break the law by entering a tenant's property without prior notice, he scared the bejeezus out of me. He entered the house without telling us he was coming, without ringing the doorbell, and then walked into my BEDROOM. I could have been undressed, or in some other compromising position. Plus, his job was in the hallway - why did he come into my room?

After that incident, every sound I heard made me think that someone was sneaking up on me. A day later, Sarwar went on a business trip for one night and I couldn't sleep until the wee hours of the morning because every click and tick that the heating system made, and every swoosh from the trees outside, frightened me. I kept imagining that a stranger was just going to walk through my bedroom door, with the swiftness and arrogance of an idiotic, surefooted landlord.

I was not afraid of horror scenarios - I know there are no axe murderers and serial chainsaw killers in Bucktown. What terrified me was the fact that I could never again feel secure and safe in my home. If a stranger wanted to get in, they could do it quietly, without breaking down the door or giving us a second to prepare. I would always be vulnerable, always be jerking my head around at every unfamiliar sound, always anticipating a break-in.

Sarwar finally spoke to Chris and insisted that he tell us before he comes to the house. He was apparently very apologetic and even offered to not raise our rent (good!) but did say he was surprised since I hadn't seemed worried when we interacted. Well, obviously I have better manners than that.

He hasn't called about coming over yet, so I don't know if he's following the new rule or not. We'll have to wait and see I guess.

Meanwhile, every footstep on the fire-escape, every creak of a door and every swish of the wind still gives me the jitters. I am jumpy and afraid, and don't prance around the house in my bathrobe as I did before. When you can't even be sure of privacy in your own home, is anything for certain?

But, I keep trying to be brave, keep trying to ignore the sounds.

I keep trying to think, mera darvaaza hawaaon ne hilaya hoga..