Waking up again

I'm hurt. I'm tired. I'm bored.
That's why I'm back.

I graduated with my master's degree 4 months ago: not much wiser, quite a lot poorer, and still no closer to getting a job.

As a student, I had so much energy and drive, I got things done, I was good. And now I'm back in this state of lethargy and apathy that I associate with unemployment. I am constantly looking for paid work that interests or stimulates me, and will provide me with the validation I need to feel like a proper, useful, adult human being -- and I'm not finding it.

I've realized that I come to this blog to whine. I'm also incredibly lazy, but somehow I manage to whip up the energy to write only when I want to complain. So, the fact that I haven't really been around for the last 6 months should suggest that things were good, and that I had no reason to whine. I suppose they were. But I was also trying to use Facebook and Twitter as my ways of expressing myself instead of this blog, partly for their brevity and convenience, partly because I actually have an audience there.

But somehow when it comes to the true whining, I prefer to come here. I like the anonymity of this blog. Well, nothing on the Internet is anonymous, but despite being public information, almost nobody comes here. I like that. It's nice to have some place with the freedom to share, privately.

I'm hurt by this job hunt. I feel like until I get a job, I am worthless and unfulfilled, and just a burden. I didn't realize just how much I was depending on finding a job until yesterday when I got rejected by a company that I had interviewed at, and was extremely excited about having the opportunity to join. But then, as usual, they said no. And suddenly, all the positivity I had managed to create over the past few weeks came crashing down. I was a mess and I cried all day, all the while wondering to myself -- why the heck are you crying? This has happened so many times, this isn't new, why are you overreacting?

But sometimes, you just get tired. Tired of trying, of being brave, of trying not to care, of hoping and praying. Sometimes things just suck. I'm tired, I'm beat.

And this tiredness bores me. I long to be energized, excited, passionate about something - anything. But passion and creativity are in short supply nowadays. I can barely bring myself to watch mindless TV, let alone read, cook, clean or do errands. I'm bored of being bored. I play mind games with myself to actually complete chores. My preferred activity is keeping still and thinking (about problems mostly) myself into oblivion. It's a terrible funk and the only thing that will get me out of it is a job -- which are scarce nowadays.

During the day, my brain just feels like it has shut down. But it's amazing how it wakes up while I sleep. Mostly I have wild and crazy dreams about fantastical situations, like being on the run from President Obama. But occasionally, I'll have an oddly real and poignant dream, about people that I once loved but are no longer in my life, about conversations that I never had the chance to have, about apologies I will never ever get.

I had one of these last night. It stirred something inside of me, and when I woke up, I knew it had to mean something. At first I thought it was a message from the person in my dream!, who must be thinking the same thing!, and sending me those vibes! Yeah. Right. I've long since taught myself to not hope for such fanciful things. I have come to understand that emotional experiences that stir you on the inside are usually blessings from God -- coded messages from Him, meant to give you perspective and strength.

My dream from last night was about a conversation I wish I had the chance to have now with someone I once knew. Although I have dreamed about this many times, I have always woken up before the conversation started. But last night, I heard everything I wanted to hear. I got the conversation. And when I woke up, I was at peace.

So I thought about it... and eventually, I figured it out. It was my survival instinct, waking up and reminding me -- "You can cope. You can complete this journey just as you completed this conversation. Cope with your current disappointments the way you coped with the ones in your past. Find the strength to keep moving, even if you don't know if you'll end up where you want to. Keep trying to get there, and one day you will."

So I've decided, yet again, that I will try. I will continue to try and cope and keep plodding on. I came crashing down one day, but enough is enough -- it's time to get back on the horse. It's the right thing to do. The sensible thing to do.

The only thing to do.