**DISCLAIMER: I have been informed by Cranial Flatulence that quoting songs in the middle of introspective blogs is a no-no, so let me clarify that the songs aren't here to amplify or give meaning to the blog notes in any way; they were on my ipod at the time and so I wrote them down. No other "deep" reason for them!**

Feeling sad.

Was on Facebook. Saw some old faces. Acquaintances, mostly. Struck me how I passed through three years of college and nothing stuck. Everytime I go on Facebook I am reminded of lost opportunities, wasted time, bad judgements.. and how everyone else made long lasting friendships, had fun and inside jokes, became complete.

Kehke deewana, mujhe maar rahe hain pathhar
Aur kya iske siva deinge, tere sheher ke log
Tujhse milne ki saza deinge, tere sheher ke log
Yeh wafaon ka sila deinge, tere sheher ke log

Sick of being alone. Of course, I have my husband. And my family. And his family. But that's all really. Anyone else who cares about me (who knows in what degree) is at least 5 states away, if not in a different country.

Wish I had a social life outside of work and husband. People who dropped in for fun, knew inside jokes, cried with me in my sorrows, laughed during stupid movies with me.

Meri bheegi bheegi si palkon pe rehgaye, jaise mere sapne bikharke
Jale mann tera bhi kisike milan ko, Anamika tu bhi tarse

Wanted to update the blog with details from Vegas. Not feeling up to it anymore - self pity makes me think no one's going to read it anyway. Depression is too lethargic. I hope it makes me lose weight this time though, it worked the last time - though I was also living in an a/c - less room for the whole of a sweltering Chicago summer so the perpetual sweating may have had something to do with it.

When the night has come, and the land is dark, and the moon is the only light we'll see
No I won't be afraid, oh I won't be afraid - just as long as you stand by me

I know I should be grateful to Allah (swt) for what I do have. I guess I am at some level. But I can't help feel disappointed by how I let myself down. I didn't think I would hit 24 and still be the same that I was at 14 -- friendless, too shy to try, too lazy to bother, waiting for a miracle, using disdain to mask my desperation.

Now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulder
Everyone's leaning on me
'Cos my baby knows that her daddy's a soldier
Nothing can take her from me

Is it weird that songs make me cry? So do all movies. I mean ALL.

I love the sound of the guitar, its like the sound of the wind - it can be gentle like a breeze, passionate like a storm..

I think I'd be a miserable drunk, if I ever drank. Not a happy drunk or a giggly drunk. A really soppy, tearful, miserable drunk.

Milegi milegi manzil, chalke kaheen duur..
Aaye hain, chale jaane ko
Aaye hain, chale jayenge
Chalke do qadam..

Is it weird that I have picturized music videos for almost all Kamaal Khan songs? Why do I love his music so much? Lets not kid ourselves - he's an average looker, with an average voice, almost nothing in the bank and, last I heard, no girl either.

I think its my nature to love the underdog, the loser, the one the cool kids ignore, the one who can't talk back fast enough and gets laughed at, the one who has a gentle heart but no guts.. I used to make them my projects. Make them realize that they were good enough just the way they were, that I loved them no matter what, that anyone who puts them down is an arrogant snob and Allah (swt) made us all equal.

All that work got me nothing, except heartbreak.

Spent so much time lagging behind helping the slowpokes, that everyone else got ahead of me and took the trophies home. And here I stand, empty handed. With even the losers abandoning me for different paths.

Na tha kuch, toh khuda tha..
Kuch na hota, toh khuda hota..
Duboya mujhko hone ne
Na hota main, toh kya hota?

When I lived in that a/c less room, I had a fan (as in cooling machine, not devotee). And a full length mirror. I used to play romantic songs in the back, start the fan, let the wind blow my hair back like a movie star and mouth the words to myself in the mirror. Helped my self esteem, kept me busy and away from the other girls in the house who were giggling away at things girls giggle about.

I've always thought of myself as a guy's girl. A buddy to all the boys. Anjali to the Rahul's of the world. Maybe I was wrong. On the inside, maybe I am a girly girl and I should have made more girlfriends. But they were always so deceitful. They always betrayed me, hurt me, insulted me. So I ran away to the male side. Men make no commitment to be there forever. Their companionship is drama-free, but also fleeting. I surrounded myself with boys, perhaps trying to fill the vacuum of a brother. Perhaps too influenced about Bollywood movies and constantly seeking male company just in case Prince Charming showed up.

Yeh zameen ruk jaye
Aasman jhuk jaye
Tera chehra jab nazar aaye

(This was a fan-blowing-hair-with-mirror song)

I love my Prince Charming. He showed up quite by random but what a good find. He makes me so happy, gives me so much attention. Is it weird that I should feel so lonely even though I'm not disappointed by my marriage? I guess I just seek variety, more people than just the one. Maybe I shouldn't be so greedy.

I always stop myself when I think I'm being arrogant, greedy, selfish.. I'm so frightened of being branded again as a bad person that I put up with too much. At age 15, my "best friend" told me I walked with arrogance. That made me cry a lot, though in retrospect I know she was just jealous, insecure and stupid.

I have noticed that in my prayers I usually forget to ask for anything to do with me. I should change that, Allah (swt) has told us to pray to Him selfishly because everyone needs His grace and there's no shame in asking. I should pray more.

Ok this post has gotten way too long. I think I'm going to go watch Mohabbatein, or some other cheesy movie with a utopian world, perfect bodies, and happy endings. Go back to being a dreamer and a wisher, and leave the doing for another day.

xinu - out.