Some Routine Bollywood Bashing

Since Paresh's blog said Veer-Zaara was actually pretty good, I just went thru the film's website. The music, never-before heard tunes created by Madan Mohan - the maestro of the 50's, doesnt sound half bad but yeah, Lata seriously needs to retire. Everything else looks typical of a Yash Chopra production. Snazzy, sexy, perfect.

Sigh. I hate Yash Chopra. And Karan Johar. Between the two of them, I've had the craziest emotional highs and lows of my life - watching, re-watching, and obsessing over their movies has been a passion of mine since DDLJ. Yash Chopra always gets to me. He brings out the inner romantic, which remains carefully hidden at most other times of the year, and shakes it upside down till its dizzy with excitement and desire. For what? Oh I don't know. A romantic story, a dashing Shahrukh of my own, a crazy tale of sacrifice and passion.. the works. Also the desire to go to Bollywood and work for him. Wow, what an experience it would be to work on a Yash Raj film.

But mostly, the desire is for the romance he shells out. It took me many years and lots of heartache to finally realize a year or so ago that my life would not be a Yash Chopra story because.. well, they're fiction. But even so, as I watch the trailors for Veer-Zaara, I feel that familiar tug in my heart. The effect is bizarre, especially considering the fact that I hate them.

I hate them all on principle!

They're a smug group of elitists - the Chopra's, the Johar's, Shahrukh, Rani, Priety, Saif, Aishwarya, Amitabh, Kareena, Hritik, Manish Malhotra, Sharmistha Roy, and Anil Mehta. They all only work with the same team over and over, and re-hash the same formula time and again. They aren't even that great peformers. In the trailor, Rani is a Pakistani lawyer. She pronounces her own name as Saamiya "Siddiki". Priety's name is pronounced Zaara Haayat "Kaan". C'mon man, at least put some effort into saying KHAN considering you've come to fame only because of working with three of them (Aamir, Saif & SRK). Priety needs serious voice lessons generally. Though not in this movie, Kareena generally needs to be shot, Aishwarya needs to be kicked in the butt and Karan needs to seriously get some with Manish (unless that's already happening and they don't tell us in the DVD extras). And I bet Shahrukh will ham it all the way through, as usual.

Aah, Shahrukh. Those who know me well know my love-hate relationship with him. I cannot understand how a man who looks so bloody gorgeous at 35 and is so well-spoken and accomplished and smart can do the same roles over and over without tiring - AND dance at weddings. Where is the man's integrity? Why doesn't he stand up for himself and stop being a commercial commodity? Sure it's shot him to super-stardom, but he could definitely take a leaf out of Aamir's book. I hate the fact that his roles are reprises of his previous ones, yet each one makes me cry and swoon. I hate the fact that his performances are so canned but his characters are so inspiringly romantic. One day I will meet him and tell him just how much I hate him. Then I'll smooch him hard and run.

Of course, that'll be after I bump into Adi Chopra on a trans-Atlantic flight (cos Bollywoodians don't have their own private jets) and having impressed him with my beauty and wit, I will have already been signed on for his next Diwali release starring (who else?) Shahrukh Khan.

Hmm. You see what Yash Chopra did to me right there? This is why I hate them.

I hate them all!

PS: Considered the name "Zaara" as nick for self. Remembered somewhat-annoying little sister of evil high school ex-best friend. Still prefer Suhaani. Thought about it for a daughter but naming a child 'Zara Raza' would be a heinous crime, so decided to stick to original plans of Tanzilah, Sakinah or Aliyah (which have all been rejected by husband unit, but I have 3 years to change his mind.. muwahahahaha).